


something to blame

by Prostidude



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Background Relationships, Crack, Human AU, M/M, Nightclub AU, Nonbinary Character, Other, competing businesses, hastur needs to back the fuck up, just a bit gay, maybe smut idk yet, narrators a bitch, nightclubs, non-binary Beelzebub
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-09
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-06-25 10:37:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19743970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prostidude/pseuds/Prostidude
Summary: two dumbass bitches run rival nightclubs and fall in love (if your here for aziraphale and crowley this aint it chief)





	1. opening night

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first ever fic on any site feel free to hurt me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: I forgot to ZZZZ beelzebubs words F U C K

Everything was going to plan  
Gabriel had sought out the new location perfectly and they were already booked up for the next six months. The 'paradis lounge' advertised itself as a high class nightclub, a heaven on earth if you will. Everyone was in their places (Aziraphale working in the backroom of course) and he was sure nothing could go wrong!

Then he saw it, that fucking eyesore right outside his front window. "How the fuck did he miss another nightclub right across the fucking street!" Gabriel thought to himself, the nightclub in question was a small ugly looking building with a neon sign which read 'INFERNUM' in a blazing fire truck red. Its customers were equally bad, the large queue outside a cacophony of piercings, purposely ripped clothing and probable body oder. How the fuck was he going to run heaven on earth when hell was right across the fucking street.

Meanwhile in the 'eyesore' as Gabriel so graciously described it, the clubs owner was equally distressed about their new rivals. Beezlebub glowered at the shining white marble and the ridiculous amount of windows (well they would only half see it on account of the greasy mop of hair that covered a good amount of their face)  
"what izz thizz the fucking Ritsszzz??"

"i think its a new nightclub boss"

"I can see that you prat..."

The black adorned club manager spun on their heel and glowered at their staff "well? any ideazz what the fuck were going to do about it??"


	2. The meeting ensues: electric boogaloo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> greasy edgelord throws a tantrum

To say Beezlebub Prince was nervous would be an understatement.

They had been pacing around the dimly lit bar for a good 20 minutes, the reason why was completely understandable. The Infernum had stood in all of its red-lit glory for 7 years at most. 7 years of new business's coming in then leaving shortly fter once they realised that all the night owls already had their needs catered to but none of those measly little chains or over zealous family bars had the motive or the budget of the Paradis Lounge. It was another five minutes before Dagon finally spoke up "look i dont know why your worrying, we have completely different customers! i dont really see our blokes going over there when the bathroom 'eres practically a brothel". The raven-haired boss glared back at their employee "itzzs not our folk going there im worried about" Beelzebub spat "if thiszz area getz overun by a buncha of prats in suits and ties then our folk wont even bother". Beelzebub slumped themselves over a barstool and looked back over at their pale comrade "we are completely and utterly fucked"

Meanwhile the purple prat himself had put himself in even more of a muddle that Beelzebub. “I am not going into that rat-infested shit hole” he yelled as he quite literally put his foot down. Michael sighed and rubbed her forehead, a small voice piped up “well I suppose I can go instead”. They turned to looked at the curly haired man who resembled an English teacher more than a manager. Michael held her chin up slightly “well Aziraphale I don’t think someone like you is qualified to handle such a tas-“  
“let him do it”  
“Gabriel please consider”  
“If he dies, he dies”  
“well I wasn’t planning on dying, but thank you for the offer sir”  
“just go”  
Back at the infernum whoosh timeskip  
The meeting was an absolute disaster, for starters the boss didn’t even show up and instead sent a baby-faced manager. Beelzebub’s useless brother Crowley blatantly flirting with the man didn’t exactly help things. It had been a good few hours since the disaster and the club owner was nursing a bottle of who knows what when someone caught their eye. The newcomer stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the mindless chaos, their light purple suit was meticulously clean, and their choice of wine was weak to say the least, but still Beelzebub couldn’t help but notice hold bloody attractive this stranger was.  
Gabriel knew going to that club was a bad idea, but he supposed it could have been worse. Despite the shabby exterior, the inside of the club was dark and polished (ignoring the oversized goat skull above the bar that is) it almost seemed respectable if it wasn’t more the hormone crazed customers. Gabriel hastily seated themselves and ordered something strong (for them that was, as an American Gabriel was a notoriously bad drinker), he hadn’t been sitting there for long before a figure moved seats to sit next to them oh great, he thought to himself some drunk trying to defile-. The image sitting to his left was definitely not some drunk- well they were drunk but that’s not the point- their raven locks were messy and their fly shirt was a ridiculous choice but their eyes were a burning blue that seemed to stare into his soul “szzoo” the stranger buzzed “could i tempt you to a drink~"


	3. F U C K (will be updated soon)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> small ass chapter will be updated soon...there both useless and lying to themselves fight me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one kudos= one cherry slushie for Alexi

Mistakes were made.

Gabriel knew that he had royally fucked up when he woke up with loves bites on his neck and a hangover the size of Miami. Well at least they didn’t do it, well at least he hoped. The happenings of the night before were a blur, teeth on his neck, burning blue eyes and a shirt that had housefly’s printed on it for some fucking reason. Well the hell had he gone to that shithole, let alone let some punk but their hands on him. Gabriel enjoyed it obviously but being the prat that he was he wouldn’t admit that until later. 

Dagon watched from behind the bar as her boss that yet another tantrum. She couldn’t be sure exactly what had upset the tiny edge lord, but she had a feeling that the fact that a mere 3 hours before they had been sitting on a rather uptight strangers lap like an overeager puppy may have had something to do with it. Beelzebub on the other hand was trying dreadfully hard to convince themselves that this whole situation had been a disaster when in actual fact they were overjoyed but of they would never admit that...they have a reputation to uphold.


	4. WHAT UP IM BACK (my computer thinks its the 9th of july i-)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> theres another god-damm meeting, Beelzebub finds Gabriel attractive but is still a bitch because i said so, and Gabe is a catholic boyo who couldnt POSSIBLY be attracted to this greasy edgelord

It had been surprisingly easy for Beelzebub to find out the opposing boss’s information, just a quick call to Crowley’s new boyfriend (how the fuck did that happen) and they had the name and address of a pretty white card with gold lettering. Gabriel Arch, figures that someone who couldn’t be arsed to come to a meeting would have a name that’s so painstakingly holy. But all grudges and inconveniences aside, they needed to present themselves as someone who was not to be fucked with. The next part wasn’t so easy. “I’m sorry but Mr Arch can’t take any meetings” the smug voice purred over the line, they could practically smell the self-entitlement from their office, Beelzebub growled (it was more like a buzz but they don’t need to know that) into the phone “alright lady ive zzsaid this once and I’m going to zzsay it again: I’m. Going. To. Zzsee. Him. And if you don’t tell him to zzsit his azz down and wait for me well” They leant back in their chair “it would be an awful shame if zzsomething happened to ruin your little clubzz’ reputation”.  
Michael gulped and quickly jotted down “Beelzebub Prince” on her notepad “I’ll see what I can do” the voice buzzed back “you better.”  
Upon hearing that he would be meeting with a certain Beelzebub Prince, which is probably the most suspicious sounding name hes ever encountered, Gabriel’s heart filled with dread. Along with all the bookings, the worries about the unsightly establishment across the street and a certain incident last night, this was the icing on the fucking cake. It was nearly impossible to get any thing done with impending doom just around the corner. “well shit” Gabriel thought to himself. After just barely making it to his office he was greeted with his supposed client lounging on the chair opposing his desk, he was about to lecture them about their poor behaviour when his purple eyes (don’t ask) met blue. That mop of scruffy black hair, the poor taste in fashion, that smug fucking smile. Of course, it was them how could be have not seen it before, if there was a God she was one vengeful bitch (rude).  
Beelzebub smirked as they were met with a familiar face. Of course their mystery man (they made a personal note never to say this to themselves again or satan could strike them down) was the elusive manager, the formal clothing, the aloof manner, it all seemed to add up. They kept their eyes on the absurdly tall man as he shifted in his seat.  
“I’m going to assume that your Beelzebub? Or do I need to call security”  
“that won’t be necezzery just yet”  
“erm..i see”  
“alright letzz shit the cut, you don’t turn up to a meeting a few dayzz ago which was a BITCH move”  
“I had other responsibility’s i-“  
“oh bullshit, you juzzt didn’t want to go to our place because you were too good for it”  
“well i-“  
“but that didn’t zztop you lazt night”  
“what”  
“nothing.”  
Beelzebub leaned back in their chair “what i'm trying to zzay is that you don’t need to worry about uzz zztealing your gig”. Gabriel gulped “oh I see well erm, thank you for coming”. The fly adorned manager stood up, knocking the chair behind them over with an obnoxiously loud thumb “if you need me just ask that prizzy bitch at the phone for my number” and as quickly as they came, they were gone (that’s what she said).  
However Beelzebub ,being the massive git that they were, had lied about the situation of there opposing Clubs. Of course. this was a massive problem for the Paradis Lounge but Mr Arch didn’t need to know that.


	5. not a chapter

ok so im writing the next chapter as we speak but a bitch doesn't have time but i will say it includes the 2nd best Gabriel quote, also why are ya'll so supportive of my ramblings???


	6. missing an O

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel tries to get revenge because their both assholes I LOVE THEM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i added an original character because im slowly dying (i was gonna do the MCR bunny boy but hes too soft for this shit)

There were few places where a person like Beelzebub could feel at peace (besides the company of Dagon of course) , the tattered adult fiction store in the next town over who’s sign simply read “p rn”. Since the vertically challenged manager had only a fleeting moment to themselves so naturally they took finding a bit of piece of quiet very seriously. Despite their disinterest (LIE) in pornography, the little shop was somewhere where no one would look and contained a aloof cashier who always had some form of alcohol on them. The said cashier, who simply went by Wolfe (fucking furry), was half-assedly stocking shelves while the so-called prince of darkness ranted. 

“and THEN I walked out, I even winked at him HAH”

“yes I know your very proud of yourself, another one on the washing line.”

“the what now”

“nothing”

Little to the edge lords knowledge, the object of their conversation (Gabriel the purple bitch) was standing outside of store infuriated. How dare this greasy little shit come into his office and intentionally embarrass him THEN HAVE THE NERVE to brag about it to some sodomite! Well two could play at that game and Gabriel always came out on top (except for-). Gabriel fixed his tie and kicked open the door, causing Wolfe to drop the books she had been stacking. He stormed over a clamped a large manicured hand onto Beelzebub’s shoulder.  
Beelzebub spun round as soon as they felt a weight of their shoulder, blue eyes met purple. “Beelzebub Print was it?” the bastard smiled too wide, they knew exactly what were doing. “its PRINCE” the manager scowled, they it was only a matter of time before Gabe figured out they were trying to fluster him but this is ridiculous. Following a person into their personal life was too far, even for the lord of hell (so were just ignoring that one time they hid in the back of Anthony’s car to make sure he wasn’t snitching ok). Wolfe on the other hand thought this was fucking hilarious.

“I never thought I would find someone like you in a place like this Mr Prince”

“im here for a friend…and im not a mister”

“didn’t know you could make friends”

“well what are YOU doing here then”

Gabriel clapped a hand over his heart in poorly feigned surprise  
“the audacity! I would never set foot in a place such as this, it was simply because I saw you come in here and I was concerned. Besides you’re the one whos perverted”  
Wolfe could be heard muttering from the other side of the room “hes not wrong...”. The duo were now circling each other like a bunch of sexually confused vultures. Seeing that he had gotten to the little edge lord, Gabriel turned on his heel and stormed out the door.

“Thank you for your pornography!”


	7. ya boi isnt posting for a while

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ineffable bureaucracy is like if the heads of the capulets and montegues started fucking

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/bzm99h/what_is_your_online_horror_story/

ok so im the only person in this only group with more than 4 brain cells so im dealing with THAT (story in link its madasacow i actually want to die)

ALSO IM RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS SO IM PROBABLY NOT POSTING FOR A WHILE IJFCSOISLJFMERLD im sorry im useless

(Edit: ok so I fainted today and turns out before I did I said "I don't feel so good mr stark" W H A T)


	8. The beginning or the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dagon is once more an underappreciated goddess

To say that Beelzebub Prince was petty would be an understatement, it is important to understand that Beelzebub always came out on top (nice) and was infuriated when someone got the best of them. So, when that mile-high bastard got the better of them, they went fucking berserk. Unfortunately, Dagon was the one who had to deal with their tantrum, Hastur kept suggesting ways to murder the rival club owner which wasn’t helping in the slightest, naturally the only course of action was to plan a revenge scheme which wasn’t going to get them arrested. Luckily for the fish-obsessed bartender, some of the Infernum’s regular patrons were more than happy to help  
(time-skip I wrote this at 2am please help me)  
Gabriel’s heart was still beating like a drum on crack when it came time for his shift, the look on that greasy, only slightly attractive (lie) fucks face when he embarrassed them was priceless. Going into shithole and having to made minor eye contact with the croc adorned cashier was all worth it just for that look. Gabriel was broken out of his trace when Michael nudged him and gestured towards the bar.  
Oh fuck.  
Lounging on bar stools were 4 quite frankly terrifying leather-clad eyesores. One was a woman with fiery hair adorned in red (I want her to step on me) and what looked like a sword at her side, who the hell carries a sword around?? The second intruder was wearing all black and was scoffing at their menu. The third was pale and still, they wore white with some rather suspicious stains ruining the aesthetic (Gabe you uncultured twat) . And the fourth? They scared the shit at out Gabriel to the point where he couldn’t register his surrounding for a moment. It seemed like the stranger had the same effect on the rest of the lounge and soon customers hastily called for checks bustled to the door, excluding a certain Madame Tracy who wouldn’t leave a date night early even if the apocalypse was upon us.   
Gabriel certainly wouldn’t admit it, but they had royally fucked up

Beelzebub had been watching the vents unfold for at least 10 minutes now, this sort of thing was supposed to give them joy! They were a sadist weren’t they? All bad-asses were sadists. But no, instead of the usual burst of pride with these things they felt sorry for the bastard, maybe they had gone too far this time. Dagon cleared her throat and broke their train of thought.

“boss?” 

“…”  
“anyone home?”

“do you think this is all worth it”

“what do you mean”

“Telling ourselves were above it all, that we’re above frivol things like families and settling down, I mean would these things really make us less important”

“did you get second-hand high off of Wolfe of something”

“I think I just need a drink…or to yell at Anthony, you know what I’m doing both”

“yeah..”

This was not the outcome that Dagon had anticipated


End file.
